Sometimes the best thing I can do is just walk away. I was talking to a friend recently about some decisions I made, and my actions caused harm. At the time I wasn’t emotionally suited for the conversation, so I just grabbed my things and left.
When my ideas are not formulated then I talk in circles not really having any idea of the point I’m trying to make. As this process unravels my words become meaningless and become a shovel to bury myself with. I lose control of the conversation and cause more harm than if I just remained silent.
I was able to recognize that process in its early stages this time, and went home to sleep on it. When I woke up I felt irritated and emotionally sick. I often refer to this state as soul sickness. I drove to the ocean to drown my woes in the nurturing waters of the Pacific, but when I got there the ocean was flat and I deflated. I also felt like I needed to avoid distracting myself with passion, so I left bound for Balboa Park to walk alone in silence and thought.
On my walk I was able to identify how I felt, and understood what I wanted to communicate. I didn’t feel as lost or hopeless. The conversation might not go well, but at least I understand my truth and what I need to convey. And that is a much better option than had I stayed and talked myself into a hole.
We don’t have the answers all the time, and we aren’t machines who can expedite the answers. Life is spontaneous, and when it catches me off guard I need time to think, and to evaluate. I need to detach from my emotions without disregarding them, so I can come down to the best solutions that consider everyone involved. That’s pretty hard to do in a heated moment. Or maybe it wasn’t all that heated. Maybe that’s why I needed to walk away. So that I could step back and see things clearly for a sec.
The next day I was armed and ready, and the only thing that I can control is my part. As a character from a Stephen King novel said, “Control the things you can, maggot. Let everything else take a flying fuck at you, and if you must go down, go down with your guns blazing.”