I think the biggest battle we face in life is the one where we combat the dark side of ourselves. That’s my story at least. Sure, there are a lot of amazing adventures, and there’s a lot of dreams coming true, but that doesn’t stop the looming negativity from seeping back in and leaving me in self-imposed torture.
The process of this recovery has been one of the most tedious things I’ve ever dealt with, and more than the physical ailments are the mental ones. The sick voice that whispers in my head that I’m ruined, and that I’ll never function the same. Of course I’ve battled this voice many times throughout my life, and at one time it had told me to renounce my sobriety, to throw in the towel, and once almost convinced me to end my own life. But comprehension does not equate to acceptance, and the feeling is so uncomfortable that I want to crawl out of my skin.
If there is one thing that is constant in our personal endeavors, it is the inability to expedite certain processes. It’s like metaphorically teething. One day, if I’m introspective enough, I’ll understand the importance of these moments, but I’m now, and retrospect is a faraway land that seems to be growing ever more distant. It seems that the only thing I can do is ride the wave, and to continue to wake up in the morning and do my best. That’s what I’ve always done, and even though to most people I have a pretty shit life, it’s a lot better than the half-dead junkie life I left behind years ago.
It may seem a tad bit off topic, but I do all my own car work. I’ll pull the engine, rotate the tires, replace the master cylinder, do all the maintenance–whatever. I’m good at it, but I get really frustrated and anxious in the process, and I begin to doubt my competence and project all sorts of non-salvageable outcomes. My grandpa, who taught me how to work on cars, laughs in a supportive way, and I remember struggling with a CV Joint on my old Saturn and he just chuckled and said, “Son, when I get into situations like these I just take a note of the time and see where I’m at an hour from then. I’m usually back in the house and finished by the time that hour comes around.”