I was sitting in my nonprofit class on Monday night listening to all my peers on fire about life saving initiatives and amazing nonprofit ambitions that will probably someday save the world. I just sat there staring and fiddling with my H-taped ring finger wondering when I’ll be able to start climbing hard again. I remembered that my Kindl was in my pack and loaded with stories of vertical adventures written by my heroes. Before I knew it I had the phone out scrolling through Mountain Project adding to my tick list at Suicide Rock. These people are on fire about life and their futures, and I’m just obsessed with pursuing a useless passion that will likely land me on my ass–literally and figuratively.

There was a guest speaker and she was on fire about changing the world and thriving in the nonprofit sector. She gave her background and sieged us with her experience and advice. I lost interest pretty quick and just started scrolling through Mountain Project again–discreetly. Whenever anybody ever makes eye contact with me anymore I just act coy, because I have completely lost interested in my future ambitions. I could careless about grade points and an all star resume. I just want to climb.

What happened? Not too long ago I myself was on fire about life and future and my own nonprofit and a masters degree. I was actually in the process of applying for a masters program. Now I’m just some dude trying to sneak across the finish line without being noticed while covered in chalk, torn clothes, unkempt neck scruff, dark alcoholic circles and wreaking of dried sweat and sleep deprivation.

Finishing up college is turning out to be one of the most ludicrous experiences in my life. I’ve learned a tremendous amount about the world and myself here, but now I’m just mastering this absurd balancing act through short cuts and manipulation.

One thing I’d never anticipated, and we can never anticipate, is how much we may change over a given period of time, and I think it’s crucial not to resist that change, but to embrace it no matter how unorthodox. It is important for us to maintain truly authentic individuals in our societies who go against conventions and push the mundane limitations we allow to control our lives and confine our dreams. We need individuals–people who refuse to settle.

However, I don’t think it’s really all that dire. I think that it’s important to be in tune with ourselves, and at least understand when we are trying to be something we’re not. Every time I try to do office work I quickly accept that is not me! Even construction, it worked for a while, but eventually that too stopped being me. Now school isn’t me. I don’t quit, but I don’t settle. I still do a little bit of all those things, in whatever type of moderation I can, but I continue my search.

I’m not going to settle for a life that I’m not content with. I’m not going to settle on a job, or a relationship, or a hobby that I’m not bat shit crazy about. And it might not seem like a profound statement until you actually ask yourself if you feel that way about all of those things in your own life. Just imagine, in your perfect world, what it would look like.

Have you achieved that? If so, comment! I’d love to hear about it!


6 thoughts on “Something I’m Not

  1. I wouldn’t say that I have achieved it, but I think I know what direction it is I need to go to get there.

    I absolutely love flying and I also love teaching. I also really want to innovate and since flight instruction has not really changed in decades that is where I want to find the realization of my dreams.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think that there are times in our lives when we have it in our grasp, but we just continue to progress and push ourselves further. I think that it’s a good thing that we haven’t achieved it, because I think it instills that drive to be better and try harder everyday.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. At Prescott College we have an unofficial tag line, “Education is a journey not a destination “. Finding bliss is hard and often fleeting. Even true love (which I have found ) changes. The perfect job may not exist.

    I love helping others reach the end of the path. I’m a registrar. I get to help students find a path, stay on it and move to the next one. When that happens and a student completes their degree…I’m a happy cat. Bliss? Nah. Happy in what I do for a living? Definitely!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s what I like to hear. It’s a rare person these days who knows themselves well enough to tell when they’ve found something worth fighting for, or worth leaving. Whether it’s a career or a lover, I think it’s important that we are deliberate with our actions and decisions, and not be too guarded to allow them into our lives, or so desperate that we’ll take anything that is thrown our way.


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