Fucked. I’m tired. The little time I find to sit down and write is filled with this longing to escape–it feels forced. Forced writing is not what I came here to do. Making deadlines and rigid structure was never the goal–I won’t do it. Little stupid click bait style articles aren’t my style either, so I’m not going to sit down and force some dumb shit that requires hair splitting just to get views.

The truth is that I’m really disillusioned with life right now. It has never been about a lack of discipline, and my conversations with people don’t usually get that far. People usually just assume I’m an adrenaline junky, or a child who doesn’t understand responsibility. I’m not lazy. The reason that I spend my life on the fringe of poverty is because time and freedom are pivotal to who I am. I start to literally feel sick, like my life has lost meaning, when all I’m doing is grinding just to grind. What a silly way to live our lives. Seriously, we spend the majority of our lives working for material shit and sacrifice making memories? It just seems idiosyncratic, like selling the car for gas money.

I have a friend who is one of the contractors I freelance for, and he has been really pressing me to come on board with his crew full time. I thought about how funny it is, and what a spoiled little brat I am, that there are people out there hitting the pavement with desperation for a job, and here I am with several career opportunities that I won’t commit to because it means that I have to sacrifice my time and my values.

The past four days I’ve been in car accident traffic eight times. People screaming and waving their fists in their cars, and honking, and swerving in and out of traffic, and for what? Why the fuck would you put your life at risk for some company? So that you’re on time? Yeah, there is something seriously wrong with the way we live.

I live in a country and a time that thinks being progressive is a “pussy” stance. Standing up for the oppressed is weak, and fighting for universal healthcare is “hippy shit.” I guess they just want their guns and to drive their big lifted trucks waving some stupid flag that has become little more than a gang sign.

Do you like pessimism? I breath it some days. It’s bittersweet, and it’s honest. This is no way to live our lives. Clinging to affirmations on social media templates, desperate to manipulate our lives into a mirror of our inner projections through technology, lost in cyberspace while neglecting the organic world around us. Developing and maintaining relationships through emoji’s, and being more concerned with how others feel about us than how we feel about ourselves.

Yesterday at work the contractor was like, “whatever you choose to do with your life,” and going on about my finding more careers and more trades, and I was like, can’t I just be me? Is that acceptable? Would it be alright if I just chose to be me with my life?

Anyways, happy Tuesday. I’m going back outside now.

5 thoughts on “This is…

  1. Powerful stuff as always man. It is such a struggle to find that balance between happiness and survival sometimes.

    It reminds me of the scene in Dead Poet’s Society where Mr Keating tells the boys that medicine, law, etc. are all noble pursuits and essential for sustaining life, but love, beauty, passion these are the things we live for.

    You inspire me to be bold and go after what I want rather than playing small to the traditional definition of success and happiness.

    I really hope we get the chance to sit down and have a meal sometime because I would love to enjoy your spirit in person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That would be great to sit down and talk someday.

      It gets overwhelming for sure. I think I’ve just been overly stimulated and not able to detach from the chaos of daily life in San Diego.

      I’m also learning that who I am and what I want is always changing, and the changes I want may require geographic relocation. Time will tell.

      As always, I look forward to and appreciate your feedback, and looking forward to listening in on your coversation with Jake over at XP Nuggetz!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I certainly know how that is in San Diego. I lived there for about four years, and while I loved it, it was nice to get away to somewhere that isn’t quite as busy.

        I just love open spaces and calmness and that isn’t real common in that area. What I want changes often as well, but I also am really just starting to understand what I really want versus the things that are temporary.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m kinda going through the same thing, I don’t know where life is taking me and its freaking me the fuck out. But I am also a firm believer in everything happening for a reason so I may not know now because something will be thrown my way soon enough and maybe the same for your too x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks! I think that it’s really easy to get overwhelmed by all the options, and it can also be tough to navigate through all the ideas, opinions, and crowds. I think the struggle is staying true to ourselves and not confirming to the status wuo just because it’s easy. Adventure is what happens when everything goes wrong, and my life’s an adventure, but it’s worth every painstaking minute!


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