This is…

Fucked. I’m tired. The little time I find to sit down and write is filled with this longing to escape–it feels forced. Forced writing is not what I came here to do. Making deadlines and rigid structure was never the goal–I won’t do it. Little stupid click bait style articles aren’t my style either, so I’m not going to sit down and force some dumb shit that requires hair splitting just to get views.

The truth is that I’m really disillusioned with life right now. It has never been about a lack of discipline, and my conversations with people don’t usually get that far. People usually just assume I’m an adrenaline junky, or a child who doesn’t understand responsibility. I’m not lazy. The reason that I spend my life on the fringe of poverty is because time and freedom are pivotal to who I am. I start to literally feel sick, like my life has lost meaning, when all I’m doing is grinding just to grind. What a silly way to live our lives. Seriously, we spend the majority of our lives working for material shit and sacrifice making memories? It just seems idiosyncratic, like selling the car for gas money.

I have a friend who is one of the contractors I freelance for, and he has been really pressing me to come on board with his crew full time. I thought about how funny it is, and what a spoiled little brat I am, that there are people out there hitting the pavement with desperation for a job, and here I am with several career opportunities that I won’t commit to because it means that I have to sacrifice my time and my values.

The past four days I’ve been in car accident traffic eight times. People screaming and waving their fists in their cars, and honking, and swerving in and out of traffic, and for what? Why the fuck would you put your life at risk for some company? So that you’re on time? Yeah, there is something seriously wrong with the way we live.

I live in a country and a time that thinks being progressive is a “pussy” stance. Standing up for the oppressed is weak, and fighting for universal healthcare is “hippy shit.” I guess they just want their guns and to drive their big lifted trucks waving some stupid flag that has become little more than a gang sign.

Do you like pessimism? I breath it some days. It’s bittersweet, and it’s honest. This is no way to live our lives. Clinging to affirmations on social media templates, desperate to manipulate our lives into a mirror of our inner projections through technology, lost in cyberspace while neglecting the organic world around us. Developing and maintaining relationships through emoji’s, and being more concerned with how others feel about us than how we feel about ourselves.

Yesterday at work the contractor was like, “whatever you choose to do with your life,” and going on about my finding more careers and more trades, and I was like, can’t I just be me? Is that acceptable? Would it be alright if I just chose to be me with my life?

Anyways, happy Tuesday. I’m going back outside now.