This is the least consistent I’ve ever been in publishing. I can’t say that I’m neglecting my writing, because the content that I’m coming up with is great, but it’s undeveloped. My experiences are in a state of flux, and they are still completing and synchronizing into trains of thought. You know what I mean?
It’s similar to not learning lessons from our experiences until we distance ourselves from them through time. I think it’s just that our minds need some time to process. It’s the whole “in retrospect” thing.
My writing is not the only thing in my life subject to these shifts in consistency. My climbing, adventures, and amount of time I spend with others are all subject to it. It isn’t that I’m lazy, or that I’m bored, so much as I’m learning a little bit more about balance, and going back to the basics of the whole why of things. I do things because they feel right, because I want to be there doing them, not because I feel that I should be doing them–feeling obligated to some ritual or routine. The latter has been all too much the case this year. It’s time for a change.
Ironically, I’ve been investing a lot of time at work recently. I’ve needed to. My life is in a state of disrepair, and it’s taking a lot more effort to put my life back together than I had anticipated. I can’t say that I’m disappointed though, because the sacrifice promotes the quality of my life, and it’s where I need to be. The quantity of things I’ve been doing is diminishing, because I’m in desperate need of quality experiences. That’s the whole why of things.
Quality and quantity. I know a bit of both, and I know a bit about experiencing both at once. What I can tell you, is that when I experience quality and quantity I’m usually in a grand destination on an extended trip, like Wyoming or the High Sierra. I get a lot of quality. But I’m not on an extended trip anymore.
I was faced with a choice this past week: to go on with a trip and neglect vital aspects of my life, or to stay home and abandon my climbing ambitions in Red Rock this weekend. For the first time in a really long time I chose to stay home, and to put climbing to the wayside. I can’t afford disaster style right now. Climbing isn’t fun when your life sucks back at home. When the whole 5 hour drive is spent anxious about the wreckage at home, and when rest is polluted with stress. I stayed home. I worked. I ran. I body surfed.
The idea of going on the trip was super appealing, and in a different place in life nothing would have stopped me, but when Thursday rolled around and my life continued to snowball into an unfamiliar mess, my drive to go started to fade. For once I couldn’t deny how bad things were here, and I lost all desire to go on the trip. It’s like when I finally got clean back in 2009, I couldn’t continue to rationalize my decisions. I had to act, and I had to act differently than before.
I’ve been in a state of mind and place in life where writing consistently isn’t promoting quality. It just hasn’t been on the top of my list of priorities. And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m really focusing on doing the things that I want to do, not what I think I should do. I want to focus on my experiences, not focus on the results my experiences will warrant. Not everything goddamn thing in life needs to be about training, or producing results. Sometimes it’s just nice to just kick back and take care of business.
I’m on an existential vacation, and for now I’ll just have to enjoy my views of the sunset from home.