I’m not sure how long I’ll sit down and write this post tonight–hunkered down in a hotel room in Pismo Beach hiding from the rain. As I put these words down on, I wish I could say paper, the screen I can’t help but think about the solitary state my life has assumed. The ties I’ve kept my entire life have become nothing more than weak ties strung together on meaningless social media blurbs, tangents, memes, and the random coy conversations we have every so often on the Facebook Messenger. Where many would use this moment to argue a point about the deterioration of our social structures as a result of Facebook, that is not it at all. The truth, is that some of us move on in different ways than others. And there is nothing wrong with that. I think it’s key to remind ourselves that it’s okay to move on, and then to move on without fretting on what we’ve left behind. This is going to sound terrible… but it’s a lot like when you go through your old clothes–the ones you’ve not thought of touching for over a year should be discarded. Maybe this is some subconscious tactic of self-preservation or an equally deceiving self-sabotage. All I know is that I find the people who matter make themselves known, as I make myself known to them. We are important to each other and not in a subtle way.

I was talking to my ex-girlfriend (because we’re still good friends), and she was telling me that one of her friends told her that she needed to remove me from her life completely, because she would never be able to let go and move on entirely. He’s probably right. And I think that our relationship with what once was is just the same. It’s done. Middle school, high school, college, that then and there is gone. No matter how dear we hold on, or how much we try to recreate those times–the truth is that they are over. You can’t recreate that time. With that realization we can look at ourselves and our lives as they make the great passage of time, and we can either regret becoming what we’ve become and live in a time that the sun has already set upon, or we can assume the role in the world we’ve earned–accepting what and who we’ve become. To resist the inevitable change of maturity, age, and time is a battle that will only result in depression and stagnation.

None of that means that we don’t continue to embrace the people we’re passionate about, or pursue the things we love to do. It just means to step back everyone once in a while and be aware of our state of life, because I think it’s really easy to hang onto a mentality from a much younger self, holding on to lifestyles and ideals that don’t fit who we are and where we are at today.

Back in my addiction I was really attached to a song by Nine Inch Nails entitled “Hurt.” For the longest time I allowed myself to be the martyr in that song. Even in my recovery I still listened to that song from the same point of view. The chorus sings:

“What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt”
These are some of the words I related most to. I loathed myself, and had constructed myself to  be a monster in my mind. My sweetest friends were those people who I’d known my entire life, a lot who may not have ventured to the depths I had, but were dirty nonetheless. Everyone, would eventually move on while I continued my path of the martyr. The second stanza of the chorus is pretty self-explanatory. I will continue to fail, and fail again, and there is no point in continuing to believe in me. I will let you down.
You know it’s funny how the typeset formatting changed. I think it’s sweetly ironic because it’s deeply metaphorical of the change from then, before in the song to now in the song. The song has changed meaning. What I’ve become was not a bad thing. What I’ve become I’ve worked tirelessly for. My sweetest friends are by my side, and the ones that are going away are people who’ve stayed in the past, people who I love but cannot afford to wait on anymore. They did not go away. It is in fact me that is going away from them. They could have it all, anything they could ever desire, if only they would stop selling themselves short and staying in a past that died 10 years ago.
“Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here”
For the longest time I felt that it was everyone else that was changing. That they had forgotten the close ties, the amazing past that I could not allow myself to forget, when in fact it was I who was slowly coming to terms and loosening my grasp on the past. The truth is that I’m someone else… You’re still right there…
Anyways… not sure how much sense that really makes to anyone but me. Sometimes I just desperately need to get some writing down. I’ve been away paying my dues on many fronts. I hope to have that down here in the next week or two.
–Safty Third

2 thoughts on “Onward and Upward

  1. One of the many things I love about this site is you can write whatever you like with no restrictions even if its just to get it off your chest, thanks for sharing today! x

    Like

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